1. Browse bookstores, pick up books you covet, sniff them, grin evilly and buy more than you can possibly read.
  2. See a whole lotta movies. Preferably action, crime, and sci-fi movies. Love the neo-noir stuff too.
  3. Continue to flesh out notes for your epic fantasy novel.
  4. Sneer at rude people having inane public conversations via cell phones.
  5. File things away for later, things like magazine articles you're meaning to read later, cool obscure words, weird/fun magazine images, and comic strips.
  6. Collect postcards.
  7. Make your own fridge magnets.
  8. Be sweet to your wife.
  9. Tickle kids. Especially your own.
  10. Say things like: "Mandingo! I grok your mouth music." and "Well I'll be hog-tied." Mean it.
  11. Don't hesitate to make a fool of yourself among friends.
  12. Confidently say stupid things.
  13. Eat too much bacon and cheese.
  14. Once you hit 15 pounds over your ideal weight, become disgusted and actually do something about it.
  15. Play tennis.
  16. Always be in the middle of three books.
  17. Absorb knowledge. Leak money.
  18. Think up names for things that don't usually get names.
  19. If your wife tunes in one of those loathsome reality TV shows, make exaggerated gagging noises. Collapse on the floor. Stick up all fours. Begin decomposition.
  20. Keep a dream journal.
  21. Make up words and sprinkle them throughout your conversation.
  22. Change your socks at least once a week.
  23. Announce your super genius status to the world.
  24. Think up new ways to annoy dearly loved family members.
  25. Practice talking in bogus foreign accents.
  26. Be just a little bit geeky. Okay, maybe more than a little bit.
  27. Daydream.
  28. Buy lottery tickets for astronomical jackpots even though it's far more likely that you'll be struck by lightning. (Somebody has to win. Might as well be you me.)
  29. Travel.
  30. Wear blue t-shirts.
  31. Wear your favorite pants for so long that your wife says, "When's the last time you washed those?" Then either run and hide from her or immediately answer "Yesterday" with the same tone of voice you use to say, "Duh."
  32. File away useless trivia into your capacious brain.
  33. Wonder what it would be like if you could teleport at will.
  34. Strive for grammatical correctness.
  35. Flaunt political incorrectness.
  36. Tease people.
  37. Read to your kids daily.
  38. Bemoan the fact that most television shows are utter shite. Try to watch less of the infernal box. Act superior to other TV watchers even though you, yourself, have succumbed to watching such dreck as perhaps birds of prey or girls club just because one of the co-stars is hot. (Of course, those got cancelled pretty quickly, didn't they? You probably don't even remember them.)
  39. Be nice to average people because it must suck to not be as cool, suave, charming, intelligent, witty, and humble as yourself. Oh, and handsome, I forgot handsome.
  40. If someone mentions Jessica Biel, Elizabeth Banks, or Melissa George make a low growling sound in your throat and raise your eyebrows meaningfully.
  41. Carry a pen and a jacknife at all times.
  42. Take copious notes.
  43. Begin your day by saying "I'm very busy and important."
  44. Laugh out loud at the funnies.
  45. Use lots of extra virgin olive oil and garlic.
  46. Grate your own parmesan.
  47. Go on, and on, and on, and on about yourself ad nauseum.
  48. If you see Sean at the beach say, "Dude, you're at the beach, don't you think you should lose your sweater?" and then smile at your own fantastic wit.
  49. Sporadically study Swedish.
  50. Hover.
  51. After that first sip of beer, make a loud, dramatic "Ahhhhh..." sound.
  52. Do that whistle-thing with the beer bottle. Cool.
  53. Don't bother counting the number of Diet Cokes you drink during the work day.
  54. Take a bath with your kid(s). Hog all the toys.
  55. Swear in foreign languages.
  56. Refrain from eating foods containing the word "hydrogenated" in the ingredients.
  57. Procrastinate.
  58. Fidget.
  59. Look up words you don't know.
  60. Daydream about what it would be like to have your own spaceship.
  61. Practice saying "Foolish mortals!" with a sneer.
  62. Listen to NPR via podcasts.
  63. Wish you could draw better and doodle now and then. Post 'em.
  64. Salivate at the mere mention of steak-frites.
  65. Shun McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, Taco Bell, KFC, Dunkin Donuts, Arby's, and all the rest of the fat merchants.
  66. Scoff at current fashion trends. Consider yourself a timeless classic.
  67. Are you still reading this? Your day must really be boring. Or are you just a compulsive freak? Okay, be compulsive. I am.
  68. Eat red grapes.
  69. See foreign and independent movies... or at least rent them on DVD.
  70. Begin your next exercise regimen... tomorrow.
  71. Shake Christmas presents before opening. Guess what might be inside.
  72. See if you can wrap a Christmas present using just one piece of tape.
  73. If it's a gift for your sister, wrap it at least five times. Use waaaaay too much tape. Cackle with glee.
  74. Collect cartoons that are funny. Every once in a while go through them. Cackle with glee.
  75. Write in all capital letters. Never type that way. (Unless you're an idiot.)
  76. Know exactly what you would do if you won the lottery. Be 100% sure it doesn't include your current job.
  77. Quote Monty Python. But only to other enthusiasts. Because some people just don't understand. Poor sods.
  78. Practice your silly walk.
  79. Add the words "in accordance with prophesy" after your mundane pronouncements around the home. For example: "Lukas, you will now take a bath... in accordance with prophesy."
  80. Pretend you know exactly what your toddler is saying.
  81. Spell-check your e-mails, messages, and letters. Smile knowingly when no errors are found. Think superior thoughts. Modesty is for people who are average. You're above all that.
  82. Recite the childhood rhyme "Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner fudge is made..." with a really bad, bogus Indian accent until either A) your wife smiles or B) calls you a weirdo.
  83. When you receive junk mail that includes a postage paid envelope, rip up the mail into pieces, stuff it into the postage paid envelope, and mail it back. That way they have to pay for it twice and throw it out themselves. And you can think that you're a rebel.
  84. Shun bumper stickers. They aren't clever, funny, or aesthetically pleasing. Besides, no one is going to ask you about your grandchildren anyway. Honk if you agree.
  85. Rearrange your books. Again.
  86. Sprinkle lines from Caddyshack throughout your everyday conversation. Bonus points if you are a woman who can do this.
  87. Become absurdly gratified at the amount of ear wax you just removed with one Q-Tip.
  88. Look. But don't look like you're looking.
  89. Read children's books.
  90. Confine forwarding of e-mails to an absolute minimum. It's not as original as you think it is. Or true.
  91. Notice spelling errors in menus, road signs, magazine ads, etc. And then once again, feel superior.
  92. Suck in that gut!
  93. Cut your own hair. (Doesn't take long).
  94. Try to wear shoes as little as possible. Wear sneakers until they are practically falling apart.
  95. Continue to flesh out notes for your epic fantasy novel.
  96. Strive to improve yourself (even if you think there's not much room for improvement — kidding!)
  97. Give instructions in a loud voice.
  98. Operate a stupid, tacky-ass, meandering, solipsistic, brilliant, arcane, protean website.
  99. Keep learning more geeky stuff so you can constantly improve and tweak it.
  100. Never say die!

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